Friday, February 29, 2008
I AM
I am a kind, friendly, and charming man who infects people with my positive attitude and outlook. I have a confidence in myself and believe in my peronal value regardless of the attractiveness of the women I interact with. I believe I am the prize. Mixed with this confidence is a lack of ego. This means that I do not need to place my sense of personal value in the context of those around me. I am socially connected person who enjoys a wide range of friends and relationships. I have a balance in life of friends and hobbies. I keep perspective in these things by not delving too far into only one thing, yet I commit to all that I do. I enjoy my career immensely but do not define myself through my work only. I give care and support to my friends and family and believe in surrounding myself with quality people. I communicate my feelings and beliefs in ways that are healthy and constructive. I'm playful and fun, women want to be around me because of the value of my character not my percieved status. I'm attracted to women with drive and share my view on career. I have a tastefully unique sense of style that shows part of my creativity. I view my sexual nature as a healthy positive thing and desire the same from women. I date women with a strong fashion sense that doesn't get old or go away if they feel settled. I have the energy and endurance to stay with the pursuits of my life. This includes personal growth, dating, and relationships. I am satisfied with my overall life while remaining motivated towards new pursuits. I truly enjoy being me. I have the courage and the conviction to go after what I want in life and with women. I do not fail. There are no setbacks. I do not let other peoples agendas or opinions deter me from my goals.
Identity and Goals Statement
So I was faced with some professional adversity this week and it affected me. I won't get into the details of the situation but I will delve into the affects of it. For the rest of that day and the next day I noticed that my thought patterns were negative. Focusing on how I felt I was being set up or unjustly treated in the situation. I found myself thinking extreeme thoughts of venting my frustrations or getting a new job or finding appropriate ways to respond to the situation where I feel like I won or evened the score. I was upset that I felt like I was professionally going to be set back by the situation and that the damage was already done.
I got home after the second day after this situation had happened and noticed that when I got home all I wanted to do was chill out and put on the TV. Watch some TV and turn my brain off. Essentially I wanted to escape what was going on. I was taking a passive role as a victim or when I took an active role it was still in a negative aggressive way.
That's when it hit me. Not just in this situation but over the last few months I hadn't been keeping my active focus on making my thoughts positive. When my default way of thinking about things is positive it's very enabling and freeing. My body language is open and confident. When I'm thinking negative thoughts. I am still consciously aware of trying to have good body language but I appear aggressive and a bit edgy instead.
This made me revisit how I thought others might view me and how I thought about myself. So I opened up my notebook back to when I first wrote down my goals. Goals in the sense of personal growth goals not in terms of the accomplishment goals that I wrote to start the year. Before I read what I wrote before, I did the exercise again so that it wouldn't be filtered through what I wrote before. This way I could compare the two and see how different they came out. And what I wrote was decent, but what I wrote the first time was really spot on at a time when I was really spending time thinking about myself. And when I reread that in combination with what I wrote that night I realized that I'd been thinking negatively and not just in this situation. I think I need to come back to what I wrote then as a guide every so often to keep my thoughts on track. So I'll post it here as a separate post but I wanted to give it some context as well.
I got home after the second day after this situation had happened and noticed that when I got home all I wanted to do was chill out and put on the TV. Watch some TV and turn my brain off. Essentially I wanted to escape what was going on. I was taking a passive role as a victim or when I took an active role it was still in a negative aggressive way.
That's when it hit me. Not just in this situation but over the last few months I hadn't been keeping my active focus on making my thoughts positive. When my default way of thinking about things is positive it's very enabling and freeing. My body language is open and confident. When I'm thinking negative thoughts. I am still consciously aware of trying to have good body language but I appear aggressive and a bit edgy instead.
This made me revisit how I thought others might view me and how I thought about myself. So I opened up my notebook back to when I first wrote down my goals. Goals in the sense of personal growth goals not in terms of the accomplishment goals that I wrote to start the year. Before I read what I wrote before, I did the exercise again so that it wouldn't be filtered through what I wrote before. This way I could compare the two and see how different they came out. And what I wrote was decent, but what I wrote the first time was really spot on at a time when I was really spending time thinking about myself. And when I reread that in combination with what I wrote that night I realized that I'd been thinking negatively and not just in this situation. I think I need to come back to what I wrote then as a guide every so often to keep my thoughts on track. So I'll post it here as a separate post but I wanted to give it some context as well.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The commoditization of pickup...
Something truly amazing is happening within pickup as a community and an industry. It's at a point now where 2nd generation students are becoming very capable instructors of pickup in their own right. With the cost of the industry right now being between $1500 and $3000 for a single weekend bootcamp the emergence of cost alternative means of learning this stuff has to happen. Here in Boston there are already two Boston based pickup schools starting this year! Not to mention Vin Dicarlo and The Approach already exisiting (but I believe they both severly underutilize the Boston community for their schools). And for the two new companies I can say from personally knowing the guys behind them that they're in it for the right reasons.
So I wanted to step back and offer my observations about bootcamps, learning pickup in general, and where I think there's value. I personally have never taken a bootcamp. Not that I'm against this in any way at all. I talked with many people I know who did take bootcamps themselves. Almost always the people I talked with said the in field instruction and pushing was the best component of what they did. And I wholeheartedly agree. In field experience and feedback from a knowledgible person is the most value add you can get out of experiences from a bootcamp, or in learning pickup in general. But why should you have to pay such a premium for this.
If you're a beginner there's a few key aspects of learning that you'll most likely go through. You'll begin reading material and become aware of concepts you never knew existed or "had never thought about in that way." As you're learning these things for the first time, you should, emphasis on the word should, want to get out and try some of these new things out. Some might have success with them immediately, others will struggle. This phase of fundamental eduaction and experiences are very similar for many new guys. It's a very common process. I have NEVER seen a guy within his first 6 months take a bootcamp with a major company and immediately become accomplished within this stuff. It certainly does help their learning curve. But especially for new guys, it's harder for them to maintain that push and drive in the field in the aftermath of the bootcamp. Furthermore, you can only go so far in one weekend. It's the compounding of weekends and experiences that come together over time that molds guys into accomplished PUAs.
I draw a comparison here to having a PhD in Astrophysics teaching introduction to algebra. Sure they're capable and qualified (too much perhaps.) But are they the only person capable of teaching that concept to someone who wants to learn algebra? No, I would say not. You would learn everything you needed to know about algebra just as readily from someone who knows Calculus and Trigonometry. Hell there's probably concepts about algebra that the PhD probably has forgotten over time because they're so focused on such advanced mathematics. I find this similar to the ideas behind cost alternative bootcamps. The people are just as capable of teaching the topics.
Now I'm by no means trying to put down the major pickup companies. I think they provide amazing products and endorse people actually buying and using their materials to gain that fundamental education (please don't pirate all your materials). I even endorse their bootcamps if people truly want that (there are people in this world who prefer to say they learned algebra from a PhD in Astrophsyics). I think the major value add from these bigger companies can come once you're in that intermediate to advanced skill area.
For beginners what bootcamps provide is a chance to get supervised experiences and guidance to go about this stuff the right way instead of feeling in over their head and lost. In my opinion $3000 to get that experience is an overspend. I personally was able to get a lot of that for free just by hooking up with like-minded guys at a similar point in their development.
Though I do find now, it's much harder to get quality observations about what I do in the field because most guys aren't able to be that present and observant while in set. If they're winging they're caught up with what they need to do with being a wing or perhaps are able to observe and filter the observations through their style and thoughts rather than understanding the nature of the person being observed's game.
So if you're new, and you're reading this blog because you're seeking out information and you've asked yourself if you think you should take a bootcamp but you're not sure. I hope this helps you weigh your options. And please note, I wrote this unbeknownst to anyone I know in the new companies offering cost alternative bootcamps. I'm not trying to explicitly endorse their business, which is why I'm not mentioning their companies or linking to them in the post. Its for you the reader to decise where you go, I simply wanted to talk about these alternatives in concept and why I think what's going on in the community is a very good thing.
So I wanted to step back and offer my observations about bootcamps, learning pickup in general, and where I think there's value. I personally have never taken a bootcamp. Not that I'm against this in any way at all. I talked with many people I know who did take bootcamps themselves. Almost always the people I talked with said the in field instruction and pushing was the best component of what they did. And I wholeheartedly agree. In field experience and feedback from a knowledgible person is the most value add you can get out of experiences from a bootcamp, or in learning pickup in general. But why should you have to pay such a premium for this.
If you're a beginner there's a few key aspects of learning that you'll most likely go through. You'll begin reading material and become aware of concepts you never knew existed or "had never thought about in that way." As you're learning these things for the first time, you should, emphasis on the word should, want to get out and try some of these new things out. Some might have success with them immediately, others will struggle. This phase of fundamental eduaction and experiences are very similar for many new guys. It's a very common process. I have NEVER seen a guy within his first 6 months take a bootcamp with a major company and immediately become accomplished within this stuff. It certainly does help their learning curve. But especially for new guys, it's harder for them to maintain that push and drive in the field in the aftermath of the bootcamp. Furthermore, you can only go so far in one weekend. It's the compounding of weekends and experiences that come together over time that molds guys into accomplished PUAs.
I draw a comparison here to having a PhD in Astrophysics teaching introduction to algebra. Sure they're capable and qualified (too much perhaps.) But are they the only person capable of teaching that concept to someone who wants to learn algebra? No, I would say not. You would learn everything you needed to know about algebra just as readily from someone who knows Calculus and Trigonometry. Hell there's probably concepts about algebra that the PhD probably has forgotten over time because they're so focused on such advanced mathematics. I find this similar to the ideas behind cost alternative bootcamps. The people are just as capable of teaching the topics.
Now I'm by no means trying to put down the major pickup companies. I think they provide amazing products and endorse people actually buying and using their materials to gain that fundamental education (please don't pirate all your materials). I even endorse their bootcamps if people truly want that (there are people in this world who prefer to say they learned algebra from a PhD in Astrophsyics). I think the major value add from these bigger companies can come once you're in that intermediate to advanced skill area.
For beginners what bootcamps provide is a chance to get supervised experiences and guidance to go about this stuff the right way instead of feeling in over their head and lost. In my opinion $3000 to get that experience is an overspend. I personally was able to get a lot of that for free just by hooking up with like-minded guys at a similar point in their development.
Though I do find now, it's much harder to get quality observations about what I do in the field because most guys aren't able to be that present and observant while in set. If they're winging they're caught up with what they need to do with being a wing or perhaps are able to observe and filter the observations through their style and thoughts rather than understanding the nature of the person being observed's game.
So if you're new, and you're reading this blog because you're seeking out information and you've asked yourself if you think you should take a bootcamp but you're not sure. I hope this helps you weigh your options. And please note, I wrote this unbeknownst to anyone I know in the new companies offering cost alternative bootcamps. I'm not trying to explicitly endorse their business, which is why I'm not mentioning their companies or linking to them in the post. Its for you the reader to decise where you go, I simply wanted to talk about these alternatives in concept and why I think what's going on in the community is a very good thing.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Derivative thoughts from having a bad night...
So I had a bad night the other night. Nothing hooked really, and my state was noticably shook and timid for most of the night. I broke this down in detail in a FR on the Boston Lair site. I don't feel compelled to cross post it here but the take aways are:
1. I need to be putting in a consistent level of effort towards maintaining a sharp pickup mindset/skillset. It feels like I'm trying to improve while still being in the Pickup Reserves. 1 Weekend a month/ 2 weeks a year. Get the comparison? Not that that's all that I go out, but there certainly is a line where if you're not letting pickup (either sarging or dedicating time to reading/listening/meditation/private exercises/etc) have an active place in how you spend your free time then your skills will decline. And every time you go out you'll have to get over a much higher initial hurdle to get into state. Funny enough this is precisely the problem that will be solved once I've fully flushed out my pickup regimen.
2. In a new environment, with new wings, my game faltered. There were elements of the environment that lent towards going direct which isn't a particular strong suit of me in opening. So I'm going to work on that. But also, I do not believe in blaming the environment, one set had opened up just fine and faltered when I didn't handle an interrupt well. Part of what affected me here was probably a desire to make an impression, and when I knew I wasn't in top form it compounded. I wasn't actively in my head about this, but I was in my head about other things and I'm sure this was festering in my subconscious. The interesting thing is, when you're out with new guys, the best way to make a good impression is to simply approach. Everyone's going to have their stengths and weaknesses when you meet them. But if you don't even show what you're capable of, then the truth is you've shown that you're not capable of anything. Even more so, you've taken them away from doing their thing as well. I will keep this in mind whenever I'm out with new wings in the future. Just show them you can approach, the results will be based on many things, both within and beyond your control. Approaching is always 100% within your control.
3. I needed this. I've been focused on self-improvement, idenity and lifestyle work that yield great value to my overall pickup skillset. But what I'd neglected, unaware to me until now, actually created a gap where I wasn't able to take that work, and bring it out in the field. I wasn't able to approach, talk, DHV about all these things I've been doing, convey the core confidence of my personality and who I am. I also, gave the girls waaaaaay too much value before I approached. This was due to the new environment and was a great checkpoint to see how much my core sense of value is rooted in my comfort zone (yes several Boston venues I'd now consider in my comfort zone) and how universal it was (winner: comfort zone). This frustrating splash of cold water is exactly what I needed to raise my awareness of how I need to better go about growing and maintaining the work that I've done. In the FR I equated this to going to the gym.
Having said those things, there's an aside that I wanted to share in this space. It's interesting. I know that within the Boston Lair there's a perception of me that I'm an accomplished PUA. I have a high presence and profile, organize events, and seem to make a solid first impression, and strong impressions of those who see me in the field. So when I struggled the last time I went out and I wrote a field report about it. It was interesting to me. I knew in a sense that that impression people had of me would take a hit in a way. Not negatively or anything, but in a sense that I appeared more (looking for the right word)... mortal. In many ways this is good. People who struggle can relate to seeing "someone as accomplished at Patch struggle" gives them context for themselves, as people have already said to me. I debated if I really wanted to share that with everyone, opening up my reputation to such fluctuation. Ultimately I decided it would be cathartic, and add value to more people that hinder people by causing them to think "if patch still struggles then it's ok for me to" and we should all be working towards understanding our struggles and working to minimize their reoccurances. I wonder how many people throughout the community at large, only represent themselves through positive experiences, because they derive a little too much value from their reputation within the community. Not saying that I know any, but I'm sure they're out there.
1. I need to be putting in a consistent level of effort towards maintaining a sharp pickup mindset/skillset. It feels like I'm trying to improve while still being in the Pickup Reserves. 1 Weekend a month/ 2 weeks a year. Get the comparison? Not that that's all that I go out, but there certainly is a line where if you're not letting pickup (either sarging or dedicating time to reading/listening/meditation/private exercises/etc) have an active place in how you spend your free time then your skills will decline. And every time you go out you'll have to get over a much higher initial hurdle to get into state. Funny enough this is precisely the problem that will be solved once I've fully flushed out my pickup regimen.
2. In a new environment, with new wings, my game faltered. There were elements of the environment that lent towards going direct which isn't a particular strong suit of me in opening. So I'm going to work on that. But also, I do not believe in blaming the environment, one set had opened up just fine and faltered when I didn't handle an interrupt well. Part of what affected me here was probably a desire to make an impression, and when I knew I wasn't in top form it compounded. I wasn't actively in my head about this, but I was in my head about other things and I'm sure this was festering in my subconscious. The interesting thing is, when you're out with new guys, the best way to make a good impression is to simply approach. Everyone's going to have their stengths and weaknesses when you meet them. But if you don't even show what you're capable of, then the truth is you've shown that you're not capable of anything. Even more so, you've taken them away from doing their thing as well. I will keep this in mind whenever I'm out with new wings in the future. Just show them you can approach, the results will be based on many things, both within and beyond your control. Approaching is always 100% within your control.
3. I needed this. I've been focused on self-improvement, idenity and lifestyle work that yield great value to my overall pickup skillset. But what I'd neglected, unaware to me until now, actually created a gap where I wasn't able to take that work, and bring it out in the field. I wasn't able to approach, talk, DHV about all these things I've been doing, convey the core confidence of my personality and who I am. I also, gave the girls waaaaaay too much value before I approached. This was due to the new environment and was a great checkpoint to see how much my core sense of value is rooted in my comfort zone (yes several Boston venues I'd now consider in my comfort zone) and how universal it was (winner: comfort zone). This frustrating splash of cold water is exactly what I needed to raise my awareness of how I need to better go about growing and maintaining the work that I've done. In the FR I equated this to going to the gym.
Having said those things, there's an aside that I wanted to share in this space. It's interesting. I know that within the Boston Lair there's a perception of me that I'm an accomplished PUA. I have a high presence and profile, organize events, and seem to make a solid first impression, and strong impressions of those who see me in the field. So when I struggled the last time I went out and I wrote a field report about it. It was interesting to me. I knew in a sense that that impression people had of me would take a hit in a way. Not negatively or anything, but in a sense that I appeared more (looking for the right word)... mortal. In many ways this is good. People who struggle can relate to seeing "someone as accomplished at Patch struggle" gives them context for themselves, as people have already said to me. I debated if I really wanted to share that with everyone, opening up my reputation to such fluctuation. Ultimately I decided it would be cathartic, and add value to more people that hinder people by causing them to think "if patch still struggles then it's ok for me to" and we should all be working towards understanding our struggles and working to minimize their reoccurances. I wonder how many people throughout the community at large, only represent themselves through positive experiences, because they derive a little too much value from their reputation within the community. Not saying that I know any, but I'm sure they're out there.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Greetings and Welcome!
Welcome to my personal corner of the internet. For those of you who don't know me I'm Patch. A Boston based PUA from the Boston Lair. If you're interested in reading a pick-up related blog by a seduction master I'd like to point to you to the links section that I'll be growing to include many accomplished individuals. If you're looking for another perspective on all the beaten to death concepts in pickup, you've probably come to the wrong place.
My intentions with this space is fairly simple. Share original thoughts and unique perspectives on things where I feel it may add particular value. I don't intend this to be a self-indulgent exercise where I opine on things as if they are universal facts.
I intended to create an audio blog where I could just post and stream my thoughts for those to share because it would take too much time to write out all my thoughts. See, I'm not big on blogs. I think blogs are the new facebook/myspace page, which are the new aol homepage, which were the new "posters on your bedroom wall" in terms of the evolution of self expression. I prefer to share my words and time directly with friends whom I've chosen to include in my life. Then I read several of the Boston Lair members blogs and with the increased activity around the rising tide and emergence of several highly skilled pickup artists I saw this in a new light. I was inspired. I see this as an opportunity to share my views but also for myself to learn to communicate concisely enough that I can effectively communicate my points of view through this medium. You see, I'm wordy. As more than a few girls in bars from Boston to CT and back can attest. LOL... So here I am.
The short version of my background is that I've been involved in pickup and self-growth for about a year and a half. In that time, my life has only changed for the better. By that I mean, elements of my life that were good before this are still good now. Only the elements I was dissatisfied with have I spent time working on and are very rewarding and satisfying now. See I believe you don't have to comepletely abandon anyone who knew you before in order to change/grow/fix yourself. Sure I've had to eject some negative relationships and so called friendships in that time, but I knew those situations to be negative before this and just didn't have the courage to make the changes. Now I do. Sounds simple, but it took time, effort, courage and help.
I won't begin to profess my status, numbers, body count, or any of that ego driven need for legitimacy that in some sense has a rightful place in the community. I can pull some 9s, but by no means regularly (nor do I want to). I'm dating one such girl right now pseudo-exclusively (we haven't had that talk yet but I know if I told her I was seeing another girl at this point she'd probably get upset). I started gaming lower level girls, got good at just learning how to convey the positives about myself and having confidence in who I am as a social person. From there once I built that foundation, I spent time carving out my identity so that I could convey that as a citical piece to working on how to attract higher calibre women. Dating someone like I am though doesn't get in the way of my gaming. It took some time to figure out how to balance this but really what it's helped is learning qualification techniques because if I'm gonna stop seeing someone, the girl that's making me think this way better be the type of girl I'd be interested in for more than just a night (with some exceptions of course).
I have some more detailed thoughts to share in the following days but I'll end my introduction with a few quick hitting points that I think are worthwhile for new people who may be reading this.
- don't forget that women are people. We may be learning to understand their irrational/illogical emotionally driven way of thinking and acting. And this might not agree with the male analytical/logical/pragmatic point of view. But they are still people just like you and I, so have some care when you're out there.
- don't evel let a woman make you forget that you're a person too. Don't place your self-worth exclusively in the eyes of a woman. Either in a relationship, or in the moment of a sarge or even when getting blown out (it happens sometimes). So many guys, myself included, suffer from AA not from being social, or any negative behavoirs of any sort but rather because we were taught to respect women and we took it to the Nth degree and put them on a pedestal that hurts us both. Us with crippling AA, and them because once you get a girl, she's doomed to never living up to those lofty expectations you had of this magical creature.
- have fun with this and build friendships. Meet some new guys through this and make wings, get to know eachother and build friendships. No, we all won't be BFFs and people do come and go through all this. But if you can't keep a friendship with a guy, how will you manage relationships with women?
- I've gotten as far as I've gotten with the selfless help of a lot of great guys. When you're new, seek out resources to help you learn, and peers to help you push yourselves and grow. But once you know some stuff, don't forget the guy who's coming along right behind you.
My intentions with this space is fairly simple. Share original thoughts and unique perspectives on things where I feel it may add particular value. I don't intend this to be a self-indulgent exercise where I opine on things as if they are universal facts.
I intended to create an audio blog where I could just post and stream my thoughts for those to share because it would take too much time to write out all my thoughts. See, I'm not big on blogs. I think blogs are the new facebook/myspace page, which are the new aol homepage, which were the new "posters on your bedroom wall" in terms of the evolution of self expression. I prefer to share my words and time directly with friends whom I've chosen to include in my life. Then I read several of the Boston Lair members blogs and with the increased activity around the rising tide and emergence of several highly skilled pickup artists I saw this in a new light. I was inspired. I see this as an opportunity to share my views but also for myself to learn to communicate concisely enough that I can effectively communicate my points of view through this medium. You see, I'm wordy. As more than a few girls in bars from Boston to CT and back can attest. LOL... So here I am.
The short version of my background is that I've been involved in pickup and self-growth for about a year and a half. In that time, my life has only changed for the better. By that I mean, elements of my life that were good before this are still good now. Only the elements I was dissatisfied with have I spent time working on and are very rewarding and satisfying now. See I believe you don't have to comepletely abandon anyone who knew you before in order to change/grow/fix yourself. Sure I've had to eject some negative relationships and so called friendships in that time, but I knew those situations to be negative before this and just didn't have the courage to make the changes. Now I do. Sounds simple, but it took time, effort, courage and help.
I won't begin to profess my status, numbers, body count, or any of that ego driven need for legitimacy that in some sense has a rightful place in the community. I can pull some 9s, but by no means regularly (nor do I want to). I'm dating one such girl right now pseudo-exclusively (we haven't had that talk yet but I know if I told her I was seeing another girl at this point she'd probably get upset). I started gaming lower level girls, got good at just learning how to convey the positives about myself and having confidence in who I am as a social person. From there once I built that foundation, I spent time carving out my identity so that I could convey that as a citical piece to working on how to attract higher calibre women. Dating someone like I am though doesn't get in the way of my gaming. It took some time to figure out how to balance this but really what it's helped is learning qualification techniques because if I'm gonna stop seeing someone, the girl that's making me think this way better be the type of girl I'd be interested in for more than just a night (with some exceptions of course).
I have some more detailed thoughts to share in the following days but I'll end my introduction with a few quick hitting points that I think are worthwhile for new people who may be reading this.
- don't forget that women are people. We may be learning to understand their irrational/illogical emotionally driven way of thinking and acting. And this might not agree with the male analytical/logical/pragmatic point of view. But they are still people just like you and I, so have some care when you're out there.
- don't evel let a woman make you forget that you're a person too. Don't place your self-worth exclusively in the eyes of a woman. Either in a relationship, or in the moment of a sarge or even when getting blown out (it happens sometimes). So many guys, myself included, suffer from AA not from being social, or any negative behavoirs of any sort but rather because we were taught to respect women and we took it to the Nth degree and put them on a pedestal that hurts us both. Us with crippling AA, and them because once you get a girl, she's doomed to never living up to those lofty expectations you had of this magical creature.
- have fun with this and build friendships. Meet some new guys through this and make wings, get to know eachother and build friendships. No, we all won't be BFFs and people do come and go through all this. But if you can't keep a friendship with a guy, how will you manage relationships with women?
- I've gotten as far as I've gotten with the selfless help of a lot of great guys. When you're new, seek out resources to help you learn, and peers to help you push yourselves and grow. But once you know some stuff, don't forget the guy who's coming along right behind you.
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